Dumb questions I really enjoy as funny jokes

A stitch in time saves nine what? After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in? --Steven Wright Are female moths called myths? Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors? Are there a lot of virgins in the Virgin Islands? Are there any unguided missiles? Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"? Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Can a stupid person be a smart-ass? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop? Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener? Could crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer? Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime? Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it? Did Noah keep his bees in archives? Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans? Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs? Do boxer shorts box? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? Do clowns wear really big socks? Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims? Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped? Do fish get thirsty? Do hummingbirds hum because they don't know the words? Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans? Do mass murderers kill only in church? Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'? Do pilots take crash-courses? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch Tape worms? Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers? Do steam rollers really roll steam? Do television evangelists do more than lay people? --Stanley Ralph Moss Do vampires get AIDS? Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? Do witches run spell checkers? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? --Steven Wright Does a man-eating shark eat women, too? Does an analyst have to be anal? --Adam Rifkin Does killing time damage eternity? Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip? Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? Ever notice how irons have a setting for "permanent" press? I don't get it. --Steven Wright Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool? Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem? Have you ever wondered? How can someone "draw a blank"? How can there be self-help "groups"? How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes? How come chocolate milk doesn't come from brown cows? How come I can pick my ears but not my nose? How come wrong numbers are never busy? How dead is the Dead Sea? How did a fool and his money get together? How did the man who invented cottage cheese know he was done? How do I set my laser printer on stun? How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? How do they get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass? How do you get off a nonstop flight? How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others? How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink? How do you throw away a garbage can? How do you write zero in Roman numerals? How does a person with a lisp pronounce that word? How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold? How does it work out that these people always die in alphabetical order? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? How is it possible to have a "civil" war? How is it possible to run out of space? How long is the long arm of the law? How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? How many weeks are there in a light year? How much can I get away with and still go to heaven? How much milk is there in the Milky Way? How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was? --Satchel Paige If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?" If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk? If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do? If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle? --Tom Robbins If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman? If a mime commits suicide, does he use a silencer? --Steven Wright If a mirror reverses right and left, why doesn't it reverse up and down? If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth? If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock? If a pizza place sells pizza by the slice, is there a guy in the back tossing a triangle in the air? --Steven Wright If a pronoun is a word used in place of a noun, is a proverb a word used in place of a verb? If a tree falls in the forest, does the earth scream out in pain? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure? --Harry Shearer If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? If all the world is a stage, where are the audience sitting? If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green, and a lemon called a yellow? If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe? If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends? If bees live in an apiary, do apes live in a beeiary? If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? --Steven Wright If cats and dog didn't have fur would we still pet them? If corn can't hear, why does it have an ear? If corn oil is made from corn, what is baby oil made from? If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? If everything is part of a whole, what is the whole part of? --Ashleigh Brilliant If flowers don't talk back to you, are they mums? If Fred Flintstone knew that the large order of ribs would tip his car over, why did he order them at the end of every show? --Steven Wright If God can do anything, can he make a rock so big he can't lift it? --George Carlin If God dropped acid, would he see people? If humans get a charley horse, what do horses get? If humans have nightmares, what do horses have? If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? --Steven Wright If I save time, when do I get it back? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? --Dennis Miller If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If our knees were on the backs of our legs, what would chairs look like? If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of? If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers? If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? If the product says "Do not use if seal is broken", how are you supposed to open it and use it? If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? --Art Hoppe If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in? If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of? If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club? If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? If you get into a taxi cab, and ask the driver to drive backwards to your destination, will the cab driver owe you money? If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? If you jog backwards, will you gain weight? If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? If your car says Dodge on the front of it, do you really need a horn? If you're a kleptomaniac, is there something you can take for it? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you're planning on lying, do they really think you'll tell them so? Instead of wasting time hunting and cooking, why don't hunters just use flame-throwers? Is "tired old cliché" one? Is a castrated pig disgruntled? Is a halfback more valuable than a quarterback? Is a sleeping bull a bull-dozer? Is a small pig called a hamlet? Is an oxymoron a really dumb bovine? Is drilling for oil boring? Is duck tape made out of ducks? Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Is that a flying saucer or a pie in the sky? Is the nose the scenter of the face? Is this bullshit or fertilizer? Now that Microsoft is so big, should it be called Macrosoft?

Sexual harassment at work-is it a problem for the self-employed? --Victoria Wood Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? Since there is a speed of light and a speed of sound, is there a speed of smell? The Scarecrow got a brain, Tin Man got a heart, Lion got courage, Dorothy got home, what did Toto get? Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower? What are imitation rhinestones? What do batteries run on? What do chickens think we taste like? What do penguins wear for play clothes? What do people in China call their good plates? What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep? What do they call a French kiss in France? What do they call coffee breaks at the Lipton Tea Company? What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it? What do you call a male ladybug? What do you call male ballerinas? What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes? What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane? What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? What happened to the first 6 UP's? What happens if you get scared half to death, ...twice? --Steven Wright What happens if you go on a survival course - and you don't pass? What happens if you take No-Doze and wash it down with Nyquil? What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours? What happens when none of your bees wax? What happens when you swallow your pride? What if hell really did freeze over? What would we be using instead? What if someone died in the living room? What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about? What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go? What is "Soft Liquor"? What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? What is a refried bean? Why do they have to fry it twice? What is shaved ice? Did it have hair on it before it was shaved? What is the diameter of a square? What is the speed of dark? What kind of fruit is in Juicy Fruit gum? What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Whatever happened to preparations A through G? What's the sound a name makes when it's dropped? What's the synonym for thesaurus? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses? When day breaks who fixes it? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? When night falls who picks it up? When people lose weight, where does it go? When something fades in the sunlight, where did the colors go? When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to? When we say our mind wanders - where does it go? When you put a sheet over your head for Halloween, are you a ghost or a mattress? Where are the germs that cause 'good' breath? Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket? Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary? Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons? Where does the fire go when the fire goes out? Where does the white go when the snow melts? Where does your lap go when you stand up? Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg? Where is Old Zealand? Which is the other side of the street? Who killed the Dead Sea? Who opened that first 'oyster' and said "My, my, my. Now doesn't 'this' look yummy!" Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?" Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat? Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it? Why are all blackboards called that when some of them are green? Why are America's parks administered by the Department of the Interior? Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"? Why are highways build so close to the ground? Why are raisins called raisins if they are only dried grapes? Why not just call them dried grapes? Why are some gay people so unhappy? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting? Why are violets blue and not violet? Why are you expected to slow down in a speed zone? Why aren't there ever any guilty bystanders? Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free? Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"? Why can't we tickle ourselves? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why did the pot call the kettle black? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn't the company just hire taller dancers? --Fred Allen Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Why do flamingos stand on only one leg? Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight? Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't made for jumping on? Why do people always remember where they were when someone famous was killed? Do they feel perhaps they'll need an alibi? Why do people go to the unemployment office to find a job? Why do people park in driveways and drive on parkways? --Larry Anderson Why do people tell you when they are speechless? Why do pigs have curly tails? Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child? Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot? Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? Why do they call it 'getting your dog fixed' if afterwards it doesn't work anymore? Why do they call it life insurance? Why do they call it quicksand when it sucks you down slowly? Why do they call the piece of wood a two-by-four if it's only 1 3/4" x 3 1/2"? Why do they call Wednesday hump day, when most people get laid on the weekends? Why do they give you a tape with a VCR to tell you how to use it? Why do they make cars go so fast its illegal? Why do they make scented toilet paper? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do they report power outages on TV? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up? Why do we call something sent by car a shipment and something sent by ship a cargo? Why do we call them restrooms when no one goes there to rest? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why do we have hot water heaters when hot water doesn't need to be heated? Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong? Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them? Why do we put shirts in a suitcase, and put suits in a garment bag? Why do we say "a pair of pants" when there is only one article of clothing involved? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do wise guy and wise man mean entirely different things? Why do you feet smell and your nose runs? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic? Why does a dishtowel get wet when it dries? Why does a grapefruit look nothing like a grape? Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice? Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?" Why don't they just make food stamps edible? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why get even, when you can get odd? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is a boxing ring square? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? --Amboy Dukes Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why is a women's prison called a penal colony? Why is brassiere singular and panties plural? Why is clear considered a color? Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that famous people are always born on holidays? Why is it that night falls but day breaks? Why is it that only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles? Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemonsWhy is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? --Steven Wright Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? Why is your index finger the same size as your nostrils? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? --Lily Tomlin Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why was Evelyn Wood in such a hurry? You can't have everything. Where would you put it? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Copied from here in case they every take the site down. Priceless!

Windows 7+ Not registering Reverse DNS

Not sure if anyone else besides me uses a network device for DHCP anymore but if you do this is for you.  I've never been a fan of how Microsoft apparently wants you to setup DHCP, on a friggin Windows Server.  Why on earth would you do this when your firewall, router, IPS, or basically anything else besides another Windows Server does the job just as well?  According to Microsoft this is blasphemy and as such starting with Windows 7 they punish you.

No longer will a Windows client register its PTR record automatically without any extra GPO settings.  Windows XP did it just fine but ce la vie Windows 7 and beyond does not do this.  To fix this you either have to configure the Windows client to do it individually OR the lazy way is to configure a GPO for this.

Computer Configuration/Admin Templates/Network/DNS Client; Configure "Primary DNS Suffix" with your domain's DNS suffix and then Enable "Register DNS records with connection-specific DNS suffix".  Once you do that and allow the GPO to take effect you'll be rewarded with properly registered PTR records.

The bane of my Windows-Administrating existence, CONQUERED!

Restricted Groups.

I've never been able to fully get the grasp of restricted groups. No matter how many times I've seen a tech blog for it or had someone who has used them explain it to me. Didn't matter, I always failed.  Today is a big day for me my friends. I kicked it's rear end.

I've been fighting this fight, losing it, since Windows Server 2003.  I've NEVER been able to get it to work right.  It's just been one thing I've never gotten but always wanted to.  Thankfully a gentleman on the web somehow stumbled onto a way to explain it to me in a method I could digest.

I will take NO credit for this whatsoever but instead will provide a link back and a copy of his posting on this for validation. Great write up : http://www.frickelsoft.net/blog/?p=13 I implemented this with NO problems. Sad to know this has been out there since 2006 and yet I never found it.



How To Use Restricted Groups? Part I
Posted October 16, 2006


( – or: How can I add [Active Directory] user accounts into some? clients’ local Administrators group without touching each client?)

This article describes the feature “Restricted Groups” in Group Policy. This feature enables you – as the administrator – to configure group memberships on the client computers or member servers. You can add user accounts to groups on client machines that are in the scope of the policy.

As there are many questions about this in the newsgroups, I will come up with an example that shows how to put a group of Active Directory users into the local Administrators group on the clients.

For this article, I assume that you already created a global security group containing all users that shall become local Administrators on some client computers. In my example, the group is called “localAdmins”. The target (= client) computers reside in a specific OU.

If you’re using the Group Policy Editor, you navigate to the OU where the client computers reside and right-click it. Choose “Properties” and “Group Policy” where you create a new Policy and click “Edit”. You then navigate to:

CompConf\Windows Settings\Security Settings\ and then right-click “Restricted Groups” and choose “Add Group”.




You simply add the created group by clicking “Browse..” or typing the group name into the box.



After clicking “OK”, another beautiful window opens up, where you can find two boxes. The upper box, saying “Members of this group”, the lower one saying “This group is a member of”.

If you added users or groups into the “Members of this group” box, you would advise the Restricted Groups feature to put the users and groups you selected into the localAdmins group. Restricted Groups would thenreplace the current members of the localAdmins group with the users and groups you filled into the box. Please recognize my words, it would replace them – just wipe existing users out of the localAdmins group.

As we do not want to add users or other groups to our group, but add our localAdmins group the local Administrators group on our clients, we have a look at the lower box – labeled “This group is member of”. We click “Add” and type in the name of the group, we want localAdmins to be member of. In this case, it “Administrators”. We then simply click “OK” and “Apply” and close all windows. “This group is member of” advices “Restricted Groups” to add our localAdmins group into the “Administrators” group of the clients. The existing group members will not be touched – it simply adds our group.

Deploying Office 2013 via Group Policy

Ever since Office 2007 I've wanted to learn how to deploy Microsoft Office by way of Group Policy but never quite grasped how to do it.  Office 2003 worked like all the previous versions by deploying with a simple MSI file which any admin, worth the air he or she breathes, can deploy without much trouble.  Starting with Microsoft Office 2007 the game was changed and deployment via MSI package no longer was an option.  Why they did it I can see now was to facilitate more customization but I just never could get the documentation on how to do it.  The example I will use below is with my experience recently deploying Microsoft Office 2013 Standard but the method is the same whether it be Standard or Pro, 2007, 2010, or 2013.

First copy all of your files from the ISO to a network install folder.  Next using your member server or a workstation execute the setup.exe with an added switch: \\server\share\office15\setup.exe /admin .  From there the Office Customization Tool will start allowing you to do a LOT of customization.  A quick search of the interwebs can show you just what all you can mess with in there but I'll give account of what I cared to mess with.  I added the organization who owned the software, what pieces of the install I wanted, which ones I wanted left out, added my MAK product key (KMS can be used as well), added shortcuts to be left on the user's desktop, etc.  The biggest help I found here.  This helpful admin put the steps out in detail with screen shots on how to get those parts figured out.

1) Run the OCT by typing setup.exe /admin at the command line from the root of the network installation point that contains the Office 2010 source files. For example, use \\server\share\office15\setup.exe /admin.
2) In the OCT, select Licensing and user interface in the left pane, and in the right pane select Enter another product key, add your organization specific MAK Office product key in the Product key field, and other options as desired.

3) In the OCT, select Modify Setup properties in the left pane and then click the Add... button in the right pane.
4) In the Add/Modify Property Value dialog and type AUTO_ACTIVATE in the Name field. Note that property names are case sensitive.
5) In Value field, type 1, and then click OK.

6) Note that the AUTO_ACTIVATE property has been added to the MSP file and has a value of 1.

7) Click the File menu and then click Save as to save the Setup customization file. If the file is saved in the Updates folder that is part of the Office source file location/installation point, running the Office Setup.exe file will automatically detect the customization file in the Updates folder and apply the customizations.
8) As an alternative to placing the customization .msp file in the Updates folder, you can use the Setup command-line option /adminfile to specify the fully qualified path of the location of the MSP file. For example, type setup.exe /adminfile \\server\share\mychanges\custom.msp.

After this is done we need to make some changes to our \\server\share\office15\standard.ww\config.xml file. There is a shell in there allowing you to uncomment-out certain values to install strictly by using the config.xml file I've read but I just left all the default things in there and added my own lines after the last default line and before the </Configuration> tag.

<Display Level="None" CompletionNotice="No" SuppressModal="No" AcceptEula="Yes" />

<AddLanguage Id="match" />

<AddLanguage Id="en-us" ShellTransform="Yes" />

<Setting Id="SETUP_REBOOT" Value="Never" />

<Setting Id="REBOOT" Value="ReallySuppress"/>

<Setting Id="AUTO_ACTIVATE" Value="1" />

<PIDKEY Value="YOURMAKHERE" />

Adding that bit is what will allow the MSP file to continue on installing once it touches the config.xml file.

Last thing to do is configure your startup or shutdown script to kick all of this magic off.  Like I said in the beginning things are not like it used to be.  A cmd script can be used to do all the goodies for you.

The following was borrowed from a technet article but I also made some changes to it only to make it work for my environment. 

setlocal

REM *********************************************************************

REM Environment customization begins here. Modify variables below.

REM *********************************************************************

REM Get ProductName from the Office product's core Setup.xml file, and then add "office14." as a prefix. 

set ProductName=Office15.Standard

REM Set DeployServer to a network-accessible location containing the Office source files.

set DeployServer=\\server\share\office15

REM Set ConfigFile to the configuration file to be used for deployment (required)

set ConfigFile=\\server\share\office15\standard.ww\config.xml

REM Set LogLocation to a central directory to collect log files.

set LogLocation=\\server\share\office15\install-logs

REM *********************************************************************

REM Deployment code begins here. Do not modify anything below this line.

REM *********************************************************************

IF NOT "%ProgramFiles(x86)%"=="" (goto ARP64) else (goto ARP86)

REM Operating system is X64. Check for 32 bit Office in emulated Wow6432 uninstall key

:ARP64

reg query HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\WOW6432NODE\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Uninstall\%ProductName%

if NOT %errorlevel%==1 (goto End)

REM Check for 32 and 64 bit versions of Office 2010 in regular uninstall key.(Office 64bit would also appear here on a 64bit OS) 

:ARP86

reg query HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Uninstall\%ProductName%

if %errorlevel%==1 (goto DeployOffice) else (goto End)

REM If 1 returned, the product was not found. Run setup here.

:DeployOffice

start /wait %DeployServer%\setup.exe /adminfile %DeployServer%\Updates\basic-install.msp

echo %date% %time% Setup ended with error code %errorlevel%. >> %LogLocation%\%computername%.txt

REM If 0 or other was returned, the product was found or another error occurred. Do nothing.

:End

Endlocal

That should do it.  Another guy wrote up something similar to this one, http://deployhappiness.com/deploy-office-2013-with-group-policy/, which did help me get started in the right direction but it seems like no one I could find had everything I wanted.  Hope this helps someone else out.

Using one Rsyslog instance for multiple ports

Ever cared to or needed to have one Rsyslog v5 instance listening on multiple ports while either re-directing or something else with those feeds? Rsyslog documentation allows for this with RuleSets.  If you have Rsyslog v7.6 or newer there is a cool config builder which can help but for those who don't roll your own rpms you can visit the link below.


http://www.rsyslog.com/doc/v5-stable/concepts/multi_ruleset.html

I was able to use this to keep the number of rsyslog instances to a minimum while providing multiple data source routings.  Cheers!